Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss: Weaponization of Therapy Talk

Social media forms such as YouTube shorts, Instagram reels, and TikTok videos can be used as how-to videos since they are quick, efficient, and full of inspiring ideas. However, what happens when we write things such as ‘’narcissist’’ or ‘’gaslighting’’ in the search bar?

According to Merriam-Webster, ‘’gaslighting’’ was Word of The Year 2022. By their definition, it is a serious form of emotional abuse and it refers to the systematic breakdown of one’s mind, beliefs, and self-esteem over, sometimes, years. We usually see it happen in romantic relationships where the abuser wants to impose their view of reality on the victim so they become the victim’s only support.

And no, your partner is not gaslighting you when they insist that something in the past happened differently than you remember it – the likely case is that everybody has a subjective point of view that is influenced by many factors, from childhood trauma to the way we process emotions and conflict.

Using psychobabble words like boundaries, toxic, or emotional space can be a good thing because it means moving towards the destigmatization of mental health and raising awareness of the benefits of therapy. On the other hand, the widespread access to social media and the growing rise of therapist influencers might bring a lot of negative consequences to using therapy talk.

One can argue that promoting self-help in media is nothing new, as there are already countless self-help books and prevalent TV reality shows such as Oprah and Dr Phil. However, the format of social media brings new dangers. The point of TikTok videos is to grab your attention in the first three seconds, shoot your brain full of dopamine, and move on to the next popular thing.

Now, I am not talking about serious, diagnosed cases where there is emotional, or even physical and sexual violence present. I am talking about our tendency as humans who live in a media-saturated context to try to find a quick fix to our relationship problems by typing in ‘’five signs that he is a narcissist’’ in our TikTok and listening to advice from individuals who are, often, not even licensed professionals. Most comments related to this type of content are ‘’using this since I do not have the money to go to therapy’’, proving how we can learn about therapy language from questionable sources and apply it out of context in real life.

Another problem with #therapytok is medical misinformation and using false mental disorder diagnoses to excuse your behavior. An example would be a person seeing a video such as ‘’How to spot ADHD in women in 25 seconds’’, concluding they have ADHD, and blaming their fake diagnosis on all of their relationship issues, stripping themselves of accountability. The mentioned video is concerning as it portrays diagnosing a complicated attention disorder in 25 seconds, a disorder that sometimes takes years in therapy to diagnose. Furthermore, the video has 431,1 thousand likes, showing that many people support it, interact with it, and relate to it.

The second point is especially problematic because we cannot measure relationships and happiness in the same terms as academic or professional success. The latter has quantifiable awards, while the former does not. It is hard to say what makes a relationship or a life successful.

The weaponization of therapy language does not need to be applied to romantic relationships only but to any relationship. Have you ever had a colleague tell you ‘’I do not have the space for your toxicity and I am setting up boundaries’’ when you ask them where that article, that they were supposed to write yesterday, is or a friend stating ‘’I need to take a step back, you are too codependent’’ when you express the need to connect more?

I do not believe that everybody who misuses therapy talk has malicious intent, as the result of the practice is due to the above-mentioned societal pressure to excel in happiness and mental health. Still, the easy access to all of these educated and professional terms can fall into the hands of real abusers and help them manipulate more easily. Moreover, even if the person uses therapy talk with good intentions, they are still subconsciously creating an emotional distance and isolating themselves from people.

Conclusively, it is not only that social media can make us lonely, but it can also make us hyper-individualistic and self-centered if we weaponize therapy talk to avoid accountability and overprotect our egos. The therapy language itself is used by professionals to identify emotional and behavioral patterns and to describe experiences. So, the language is clinical, formal, and devoid of emotions. Therefore, using therapy terms with our partners, friends, family, or colleagues, encourages emotional distancing and isolation. Also, even though we can be unaware of it, this communication style is inherently manipulative and one-sided as it promotes one’s selfishness and leaves no room for the other person to respond.

‘’I am putting up my boundaries’’ can be a brave act if you are truly stuck in a toxic relationship cycle, but, if not, it is a phrase used to shut down somebody else and rid yourself of responsibility.

Ana Višić

Philosophy, Art and Media Studies graduate, particularly interested in exploring how digital platforms shape public discourse and cultural expression, aiming to provide insightful analysis and foster meaningful conversations in the digital age.